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Rules for Orifices

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Okay, whew.  My may class is over, I made an A in it, and the library job still rocks.  There are sixteen days until my family leaves for our wonderful and fabulous adventure to England and Scotland.  As I remarked to my mother last week, I am so happy at this moment that something disastrous is sure to befall me soon.

More importantly, though, I have time to have thoughts again!  So I thought I’d share my thoughts on orifices with you all this evening.

Because I lack religious conviction, I’ve been left to the inconvenient task of figuring out a belief system for myself.  I’m still working on a lot of it, though for the most part it seems to include boring philosophies like moderation, relativity, and not being a complete asshole to your fellow sentient and non-sentient beings.  However, there are a few things I feel very strongly and specifically about.  The following rules are some examples which, if followed, I believe will result in a safer, cleaner, and more harmonious existence.

1.  If you previously removed it from one body cavity, it should not under any circumstances be inserted into another.

I cannot stress this enough.  Whatever it is, if it came out of you, it’s probably a waste product.  Allowing it to re-enter your body is therefore detrimental to your overall health, regardless of how fresh it is.  (I’m looking at you, kids who let your snot drain into your mouths instead of wiping your noses like civilized beings.)

An exception to this rule is the replacement of said substance into the SAME cavity from which it was removed, under the following FEW AND SPECIFIC circumstances:  dental work, organ prolapse, errant hearing aids or other medical devices.

2.  Orifices should generally be regarded as one-way streets.

This rule is more flexible than the previous one.  I understand the need to allow two-way traffic in some orifices under some circumstances.  However, two-way traffic should only occur for a CLEAR and LOGICAL reason, not simply because you were bored/curious/itchy.

3.  Please, for the love of God, DO NOT examine the substances that exit your orifices.

As mentioned earlier, these are generally waste products.  Your body has no use for them, and neither should you.  Anyway, bad things happen when you examine non-personal waste products.  To wit:  lingering to examine fresh bear waste usually results in the nearby bear returning to eat you.  Lingering to examine nuclear waste results in acute poisoning and/or cancer.  And lingering to examine waste in dumpsters results in your appearing to be homeless, an antique dealer, or Freegan.

4.  I can’t believe I have to actually say this, but guys?  KEEP YOUR ORIFICES CLEAN.

A friendly reminder:  pores are orifices too.  So take a damn shower every once in a while, and USE SOAP.  Would it kill you?

Written by Estie

June 8, 2010 at 2:03 am